Solo-sexual Scots have confirmed the most satisfying locations to crack one out.
Scotland’s best areas to retire were confirmed this morning, but we at Havers & Pish know that you will never save enough money to escape soul-crushing wage slavery. So, because the best things in life are free, here are Scotland’s top five council areas for having a wank.
Councils which did not make the list
Wankers in Scotland chose Edinburgh as the nation’s worst council area for self-pleasure. Too much competition from other wankers priced most people out of the capital. However, a wank in view of the Royal residence at Holyrood Palace was recommended by a surprising number of respondents from Larkhall and Airdrie.
Moray is home to Speyside’s distilleries and would probably be the easiest council area to wank in while pished. But the risk of seeing Douglas Ross’s face was deemed too risky to your libidos to be worth endorsing.
The Top 5
5. Fife
Fife is not an especially good place to have a wank. We just hope that adding it to the list might provide the locals with a healthy and sustainable alternative to fucking their own relatives.
4. Glasgow
Fans of sado-masochism beat Scotland’s largest local authority into the top five. The risk of a chibbing while chugging is Smiles Better for our readers who believe that Wankers Make Glasgow.
3. Highland
Sticking with fetishes, fans of autoerotic asphyxiation might want to try pleasuring themselves atop Ben Nevis. Altitude sickness should hopefully starve your brain of enough oxygen to make you feel on top of the country.
Having your boaby (or beaver) bitten to fuck by midges is not for everyone. On the plus side, the bites provide a brilliant cover story for your STDs.
2. Comhairle nan Eilean Siar
You don’t have to be able to pronounce a council area in order to wank in it. Gale force winds are the only thing that will blow you here, you pathetic incels.
1.East Renfrewshire
We all know that the best wank is a posh wank. And there are plenty of posh wanks here. They are so used to topping every list, we fear the inevitable request to speak to the manager should we fail to put Scotland’s most affluent local authority in first place.
