IT used to just be for bairns, grannies and jakeys – but now shiteing yirsel has gone mainstream.
Even the budget supermarkets are stocking hunners of braw laxatives – and cunts cannae get enough of it.
But with most supermarkets offering jobby pills, Havers & Pish set out to find out which ones will get your scran from basket tae breeks that wee bit quicker.
- Sainsbury’s Smell The Difference Citrus Chews – £78.59
Despite costing more than a pint at TRNSMT, you will get to enjoy that sherbet lemon feel in your mouth as most of your intestines empty themselves intae the cludgie. Folk visiting your house will think you’re minted when they see the packet so be sure to leave it out strategically. These are laxatives for people who like paying a lot of money to be slightly faster (and therefore better) than everyone else. The kind of laxatives Colin & Cath from Two Doors Down would buy.
3/5
2. Scotmid Co-operative Fairtrade Ultra Ethical Shite Capsules – £7.99
£7.99 for jobby pills is what you’d get if you put Peter Murrell in charge of a supermarket. Worse, the pressure on the swollen blood vessels around your rectum will still feel like you’ve tried to force a camper van out your anus. But, in rural Scotland, the only amusement available is this or contracting gonorrhea from sheep.
2/5
3. Yaldi – Lolcolax Milk of Magnesia – £1.75
This feels better than James MacFadden’s goal against France, Leigh Griffiths’s two free kicks against England, and Saka missing that penalty to cost England the Euros, combined. More relief than drinking Scottish tap water after six weeks in England.
5/5
