Patrons of the Edinburgh Festival have been disturbed by unhinged social conservatives prowling the Royal Mile looking for a fight.
Wearing an unbuttoned, pish-stained anorak, an inebriated Ms Rowling bellowed, “They’ve turned the arts against us,” cigar drooping from the left corner of her mouth.
Upon encountering a timid librarian, Rowling locked her dilated pupils on theirs saying, “Fuck you looking at?”
“Better be lookin’ at ma book. You tryin’ to get me tae wheest? Tryin tae tell women tae WHEEST, EH?”
National Library of Scotland security were later able to mollify the billionaire with a handwritten “Director of Toilet Security” badge pinned on to the anorak with a rusty safety pin.
Following an afternoon demanding proof from all those entering the women’s toilets that they had “egg producing equipment”, Ms Rowling returned to Barnton of her own volition.
Meanwhile, in Summerhall, Deputy Minister Kate Forbes demanded to know “Which one of you poofs called me a homophobe?” Her outburst came after an apology from the venue for platforming her Freechurch of Scotland production Repent, Faggots!
