In response to UK-wide guidance on publishing the ethnicity and immigration status of suspects, Police Scotland have opted to adapt the system to Scottish people’s prejudices.
A spokesperson said, “Scotland did not participate in last summer’s riots. Not because we are not racist, just because the rumour concerned the wrong race.”
“You don’t want to know what would have happened in Larkhall if someone had spread a rumour that Axel Rudakubana was a pupil at St. Paul of the Apostle Secondary School.”
“Last year, we finally solved the murder of Emma Caldwell after 20 years. Most people’s response? Pointing out the the football top Iain Packer was wearing when we lifted him.”
Asked if she was fanning the flames of sectarianism, Justice Secretary Angela Constance replied, “The Scottish Government is a damp cloth.”
“Look, we all know the people in Scotland ask each other three questions on meeting each other,”
“No it would not be eaiser just to say if the suspect is a Protestant or a Catholic! That would just be sectarian.”
In response to concerns that the move could undermine the presumption of innocence before guilt, Constance retorted “The SNP had to endure two years of jokes about campervans. If the public cannot be bothered with the presumption of innocence, I don’t see why we should be.”
Scottish Government sources hope that upper class Scots will also be supportive of the move. Alexandra Lyall-Stuart, 42, of Morningside said, “I simply cannot wait to gloat after the first Watsonian is arrested.”
