London’s sex offenders declared themselves “delighted” with the performance of the Metropolitan Police yesterday. The force, which has 1,071 allegations of violence against women and girls against its staff under review, spent Saturday arresting blind people and pensioners for holding up signs.
“I used to be subject to random spot checks but, thanks to my pals in the Met, I get a friendly tip off instead. Plenty of time to delete the hard drive,” said our anonymous pervert source while rubbing his hands up and down his thighs.
Previous employees of the organisation include Wayne “The Rapist” Couzens who used his position to murder Sarah Everard and “Bastard Dave” Carrick who raped, tortured and imprisoned 12 women (NB: These were their actual nicknames within the Met).
A Review into the force’s conduct by Baroness Casey found that “predatory and unacceptable behaviour has been allowed to flourish,” while The Bureau of Investigative Journalism found that 80% of UK officers accused of domestic abuse are still working for the police.
All of this, of course, is insignificant, compared with the heinous actions of the demonstrators in Parliament Square.
“That paper sign could have cut anyone,” exclaimed one officer. “I’ll be glad to get back to strip searching children on Monday.”
Only 9% by of crimes in England and Wales lead to someone being charged. When it comes to rape, that figure sinks to 2.6%.
Thank goodness heroic officers dealt with people holding up signs instead.
