Holyrood Presiding Officer Alison Johnstone has slammed a randy MSP for snubbing the jobbies his fellow parliamentarians do in the main chamber.
“I am not going to kink shame any of my colleagues. I’m sure we’ve all fantasied about watching feculent diarrhea pour forth from Willie Rennie’s rectum.”
“But the Scottish Parliament does not live stream the main chamber for members to waste their time watching the toilets instead. When choosing to watch shite in parliament, opt for oral, not for anal.”
While Ms Johnstone means well, an anonymous Labour MSP blames the scat pornography website Scottish Parliament TV for desensitising their former colleague to excrement spewing from orifices.
“When Colin started in Parliament, he would become visibly aroused during First Minister’s questions. You could see his wee table lift every time Sturgeon said she was going to fix Scottish education. I’m pretty sure he got splinters in his cock when Michael Matheson claimed he ran up a £11k iPad bill watching one football match and not porn.”
“But soon it wasn’t enough. He just kept chasing harder and harder hits. Lorna Slater kept him going for a while, but when she was sacked and Douglas Ross resigned, he just got desperate.”
“I told him to put a VPN on his expenses, but clearly he favours a DIY approach.”
Colin Smyth MSP denied all allegations, saying Holyrood group meetings with Anas Sarwar gave him plenty of opportunities to watch shite.
