In the face of charges that the government is unpatriotic, Home Secretary Yvette Cooper announced that she is going to lock up the most prominent Irish people she can find, so long as they haven’t committed any terrorism.
She told the Commons, “From the Birmingham Six to the Guildford Four, this country has a proud of tradition of punishing people who have done nothing wrong. That’s why I propose incarcerating the County Mayo One the next time the tattie-munching terrorist has the temerity to set foot on His Majesty’s Britannic soil.”
Opposition MPs found themselves unsatisfied. Leader of the Opposition, Kemi Badenoch, rebutted “At no point in Ms Cooper’s speech did she suggest making Sally Rooney lie in a month’s worth of her own faeces, let alone starving her to death. This is a government that is unimaginative and un-British!”
Cooper countered that the government had already bought the pliers with which they intend to pull Ms Rooney’s finger nails. She assured the House that a conspiracy was well underway to hide any alibi from Rooney’s defence counsel.
Meanwhile, Police Officers who attempted to arrest a man for wearing a “Plastacine Action” T-Shirt sat jaw agape on hearing that Sally Rooney makes money selling pieces of paper to people who read voluntarily.
