A terrified John Swinney has returned to Edinburgh after being forced to spend the night sleeping on Peter Mandelson’s sofa.
Initially, Scottish Government officials hoped to splash out on a Holiday Inn AND continental breakfast for the First Minister, but they were rebuked by Keir Starmer, “You can waste my money when you’ve a country of your own. So long as you’re under my roof it’s my rules. You’re going to stay with your Uncle Peter.”
Swinney, who hoped to at least look inside a mini bar before opting not to buy anything, was in Washington to beg multiple bankrupt-impeached-sexual assailant-criminal Donald Trump to make whisky slight cheaper in America.
Mandelson opened the door to Swinney in a loose bathrobe revealing more than a glimpse of his genitals. Noticing the First Minister turn crimson, Mandy chuckled attempting to lighten the mood, “There are more embarrassing revelations to come.”
Swinney spent the evening with Uncle Peter’s friends. Former lobbyist Mandelson entertained associates from Shein and Thames Water. As they discussed the feasibility of feeding Shein’s child labourers using Thames’ fecal matter alone, a bored and frustrated Swinney rolled the wheels of his toy plane back and forth across the carpet.
The First Minister’s bedtime came and went. He sat forlornly, without his customary glass of warm milk to comfort him to bed.
Half cut, Mandelson bellowed, “John, what’s your favourite island?”
“Skye. Maybe Mull.”
“Oh, you’ve not lived, dear boy.”
A profusion of cans and (what Swinney assumed to be) lines of sugar left him unable to find space for his Balamory jigsaw puzzle on the coffee table. Without even having done his teeth, Swinney fell asleep at the ungodly hour of 11pm.
He was stirred from consciousness by Uncle Peter lifting him on to the couch and gently stroking his bald head. Swinney sat, eyes open, unmoving, as he heard Mandelson breathily whisper:
“My best pal Jeffrey would have loved you ever so much. Who’s a special boy? Who’s a very special boy?”
Scottish Government sources say that Swinney will only respond to questions about his trip to Washington with shakes of his head.
