Jamie Hepburn MSP has retired from all paid employment after sticking the heid on linesman Douglas Ross.
The Minister for Parliamentary Business has been described as “living the dream” after repeatedly smashing his fist into the ex-Tory leader’s coupon.
Football fans and voters alike were impressed. Hepburn’s “Go Swally Me” page now possesses more pints than Tennent’s’ Caledonian and McEwan’s breweries combined.
Hepburn’s inner Hulk surfaced as the Scottish Parliament was about to conclude months of campaigning from rape survivors by finally voting to abolish the not proven verdict.
“And then the cunt starts talking about seagulls.”
Families of murder victims were humbled as Ross revealed there would be no seagull summit to discuss the record five cases of steak bake theft in Elgin last month.
“It really put my problems in perspective. I only watched my daughter’s killer walk free on a technicality. But that MSP had a chip stolen by a bird.”
Ross, who Tweeted on the 20th of February that, “The Scottish Conservatives are the only party that have consistently stood up for the safety of women and girls” proceeded to vote against the Rape Crisis Scotland-endorsed bill.
“It’s not a real women’s rights issue because there isn’t a way to blame trans or brown people for it. The whole thing is a distraction from the vital issue of the seagull shit on my LandRover,” rambled Ross.
“Right, fannybaws, outside, now!” exclaimed a raging Hepburn.
MSPs ran into the lobby, forming a spontaneous circle while chanting “Fight! Fight! Fight!”
Hepburn took off his jacket, cracked his neck and kissed his favourite knuckle duster.
Ross, meanwhile, begged fellow Tories to pretend to hold him back.
Hepburn now looks forward to a lengthy retirement revelling in his status as this decade’s John Smeaton.
