Tory leader Kemi Badenoch has announced she will make “maximising intoxication” her public health goal and will abolish “net sobriety”, if she is elected Prime Minister.
Sitting atop a pile of Diageo-branded brown envelopes, Badenoch warned of the perils of cutting down. “We are in the absurd situation where our country is leaving vital bevvy untanned.”
“We cannot allow wokeists to use the conspiracy of ‘liver cirrhosis’ to push their net sobriety agenda.”
Moira Boak, 42, sat in a pish-stained sleeping bag outside the event. In exchange for spare change, she half opened her jaundiced eyes and slurred, “Alcoholism is a myth. The doctors who talk about it are virtue signalling while ordinary corporations struggle to make ends meet.”
“By the way, I need another 25 pence for my next cider – do you want a hand job?”
A spokesperson for the alcoholism campaign group Giespeace said, “This year was the first in which the average blood alcohol level was 1.5% above pre industrial levels. We can’t keep drinking like there are no consequences in the future.”
Last year, alcohol related deaths in Scotland reached a 15 year high.
