Your father-in-law whose sole topic of conversation has been Nicola Sturgeon for the past fifteen years sent you a series of triumphant messages this morning.
He always knew that she was “one of them” and “she can call herself fluid all she wants, we all know what she means,” hastily sending a second message adding that he “has nothing against lesbians.”
Exasperated Moira Boak, 42, told Havers & Pish: “When asked to say a few words at our wedding, he spent fifteen minutes describing the floor plan for Sturgeon’s lesbian harem in Bridge of Allan.”
“His face contorted into a strange mix of hatred and zeal as he told us that Val McDermid would regularly visit. Worryingly, he thought that was a massive gotcha.”
“If the campervan was Hillary’s emails for unionists, Bridge of Allan is basically QAnon for people who read The Scotsman.”
Meanwhile, having quit the job, left her husband and got a tattoo, Nicola Sturgeon has decided that the next phase of her midlife crisis is for you to buy her book.
