Renowned Helensburgh headcase Pete Parker has been bitten by a radioactive spider in Loch Long. The Bam, who was only there to ditch a stolen motor, now has superhuman strength, the ability to climb lampposts and “spider sense” to warn troops of approaching rival young teams and polis.
Parker swore to use his powers for good. He began by using a web to ensnare most of the town’s Buckfast, Dragon Soup and Goldbar. He swore to distribute the loot fairly saying “With great bevvy comes great responsibility.”
It’s said a Hollywood crew are to follow Mr Parker around Glasgow in the coming weeks.
Meanwhile, some locals politely asked a Ministry of Defence spokesperson if they should be concerned about radioactive water in our lochs.
“Not at all, my good chap! We chose this ghastly place precisely because there are no lakes to worry about. Only lochs, which sound rather awful.”
“The UK’s nuclear weapons are situated so far from Whitehall that, even in the event of an accident or nuclear strike, no one who matters will be hurt.”
A UK Government spokesperson said, “Trident remains essential to defending freedom and democracy.”
We would have interviewed a Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament activist for balance, but the UK Government has put all of them in prison.
