Almost 70,000 rowdy, intoxicated men will take up more room in the capital this weekend as straight icons “Oasis” take to the stage at Murrayfield.
The event, which is like Eurovision for men who buy their clothes from Superdry, is a vital outlet for the heterosexual community.
“Their lyrics really speak to me” said confirmed hetero, Barry McGraw. “Take Digsy’s Dinner, ‘What a life it would be, if you could come to mine for tea, I’ll pick you up at half past three, we’ll have lasagne,’”
“Chappell Roan fans just aren’t clever enough for poetry like that.”
However, the band’s performance has provoked a heterophobic outburst from City Council officials.
“Oasis fans are fat, middle-aged and have been using the same can of Lynx Africa since 1997. We get that they are heteros, but we don’t see why they have to rub everyone’s faces in it. Look, some of my best friends are straight, but our kids shouldn’t have to look at all those bootcut jeans, Stone Island jackets and football tops.”
“ScotRail are even putting on extra trains. They didn’t do that for Harry Styles. But can you point that out? No, because you can’t say anything about straight people these days.”
Tickets are sold out but are available from all good touts at £2,385.99 each.
