- See how many Carmel Logs you need to eat before doing a jobby that looks exactly like a Caramel Log.
- Have a shag. As the wind burls and the thunder howls, pretend you’re conceiving the anti-Christ.
- Have a good pish in the paddling pool first. Great way to get back at your neighbours for objecting to your extension.
- Cut out your pubes and assemble them to spell F-L-O-R-I-S
- Try to act out the whole of Tam O’Shanter. If you conscript yir dug tae play the role of Meg, try no tae actually rip the tale aff.
- Build a Jakey Windchime: Tennent’s Super cans and Buckfast bottles are recommended, but White Lightning and 59p tins of Boost will do for those who actually are jakes.
- Tie two bricks to your breeks, stand outside and grab a free trampoline.
- For readers old enough to remember, you could stand outside and pretend you are Michael Jackson in the Earthsong video. Do not do this within 500 yards of children.
- Settle the bairns down to the 1986 animated classic “When the Wind Blows”. The nuclear apocalypse depicted is currently topical while the storm conditions outside will make it especially traumatising for them. This should ensure the wee shites will be desperate to get back to primary next week while older ones will give less of a fuck about their rotten exam results tomorrow.
- Start a blog called Havers & Pish.
