Interviewed on Times Radio, marble-mouthed Richard Tice MP called for male-patrols to protect women near asylum seeker hotels.
We all know the type of man this mission will attract. Only 40% of people involved in last year’s riots had been reported for domestic violence, so we can be reassured that a majority of the people concerned about immigration are not violent to women. Okay, half in Northern Ireland.
Our intrepid corespondents at Havers & Pish met the men Reform UK have tasked with keeping you, feeble women of Britain, safe.
Adan Wetter
This “high value male” styles himself as the “Top G” of the Inverclyde New Conservative Legion (INCEL). Adorned in his favourite “Your Body, My Choice” T-Shirt this young Sigma would love to walk you all the way home to his mother’s house.
Expect a warmed-bleach aroma to emanate from the clump of tissues in his fur coat pockets. Add this to his fedora, his cigar on an Audrey Hepburn-style cigarette holder and it is all bound to turn even the most embittered feminazi into a docile tradwife.
Billy King
Billy has not been the same since drinking toilet water in Seville. This Union Bear of a man loves a walk, or march, especially in July. Billy is worried about asylum seekers stealing jobs, a view cemented by still not having one, even though he has now found the certificate for his solitary Standard Grade in Practical Woodwork. All 1690 stone of Billy will be happy to walk you home, girls, so long as you are not wearing a green dress.
Or carrying rosary beads.
Or are a Fenian.
Eric Powell
Do you like a man in uniform? Buckle up, ladies, for this dashing white sergeant has come to sweep you off your feet. Eric valiantly served his country for six months in the Territorial Army. You see Eric, unlike those vile asylum seekers from Ukraine, Yemen and Afghanistan knows the horrors of war. Eric fears nothing.
Eric is terrified of transgender sex offenders so he will understandably demand a full genital inspection beforehand. Likewise, Eric’s homeopath has also warned him that he cannot be around vaccinated people as he may catch autism. Finally, Eric is scared of his ex-wife and estranged children so be sure to put a copy of The Daily Mail over his face if he sees any of them.
Nigel Fromage
Man of the people “Nige” is concerned for the future of our children. That’s why Nige is a humble PR consultant for oil companies. On a recent demonstration in Motherwell, a furious comrade said there hadn’t been work in the town since Ravenscraig shut. Nige ruefully sucked in his breath said “Well, I used to work in metals myself”. This is strictly true, as he used to work as a commodities trader in the City of London.
Nigel is not willing to walk you home as he believes there are too many “women and ethnic” police to keep the streets safe. However, he will give you a lift in his lovingly restored, with all British parts, Jag. It’s not Nigel’s fault if your long nails look like they might scratch the upholstery and he has to kick you out on the central reservation of the M8.
