Behind bullet proof glass, in front of the largest rally since Nuremburg, Erika Kirk, widow of the late roaster Charlie Kirk, was touched by convicted felon Donald Trump.
Trump (who in 2023 was proven by a court to have raped E. Jean Carroll) began the event by walking unannounced into Kirk’s dressing room while she was naked.
“I thought I’d make her feel like a Queen. A beauty queen. When I owned Miss Universe, I used to do it all the time.”
Kirk’s service was as tasteful and demure as a man of his integrity deserved.
Erika Kirk’s stadium entrance was accompanied by WWE-style fireworks and giant TVs flanking her either side, as a morbidly-obese, all-white audience hollered her name between mouthfuls of hot dog.
“I feel so proud to be an American,” said participant Joe Bay.
“Best rally since 1938”
ABC News described “hours of Christian music before the pogrom (Ed: Surely that’s a typo?) began. Many in the crowd stood worshipping with their hands in the air.”
Specifically, they stood with their arms stiff, at a 45 degree angle, with the hand straightened so that it is parallel to the arm.
A freshly groped Erika Kirk concluded by saying:
“Charlie might be dead but we can still give him the America he wanted. Thanks to President Trump, a 9 year-old who has been raped will both be forced to carry the child to term and be unable to access paracetamol.”
NB: The headline of this article is inspired by, and is a tribute to, The Onion. There are many good things about the USA and The Onion is among the foremost of them.
