Ousted Scottish Secretary Ian Murray has complained that Bargain Hunt is just not the same now that he has to watch it from his Morningside home rather than a Whitehall office.
“Being sacked is a total baw ache. Nothing like being Scottish Secretary. I used to have my days mapped out: a wee Greggs to start, into the office for some Homes Under The Hammer, then Bargain Hunt, a pub lunch when all that politics shite is on and back to the office in time for Escape to the Country.”
“Now I’m sat at home with the wife nipping ma heid about the gutters. She’s even forcing me to miss the Beechgrove Garden because I’ve to pick up the bairns.”
The Prime Minister is said to be convinced that Murray is jealous of newly appointed Scottish Secretary Douglas Alexander’s God-like charisma. Murray said nothing could be further from the truth.
“Fair fucks to him, it’s a great job. Total skive. The Scottish Secretary hasn’t done anything since 1999. You’ve got to sit through a few cabinet meetings, but I had my Hearts colouring book to get me through that.”
Meanwhile, Scottish voters are said to be discussing little else now that Douglas Alexander, a man with the political clout of Donald Dewar, the oratory of Jimmy Reid and the looks of Jack Lowden, is Scottish Secretary.
“The man is so electable, I don’t think any of us could match him,” said oddly interested member of the public, Jim Murphy of East Renfrewshire.
