This weekend, Europe’s least competitive football league limps into action. Here is our prediction for the next 10 months of tedious sectarianism.
Aberdeen
Prediction: Aberdeen won the Scottish Cup the way Homer Simpson won Boxing matches – just waiting until the other team got tired. They were comically shite for months before the final. Group stage European football should ensure Aberdeen lose twice a week until Christmas. They might get better after that. 7th, basically.
Biggest Concern: Jimmy Thelin is Ivan Golac. You could see them win the cup one year and then relegation form the next.
Most Likely To: Have a fan throw a chair at one of their own players, injuring them in the process.
Their fans: have been so distracted by the Scottish Cup win and the Tall Ships that entire fields of sheep remain unshagged.
Celtic
Prediction: Let’s see. How will a team that has won the league in 13 of the last 14 seasons do? Celtic’s contrasting form between domestic football and Europe are like a Da who thinks he’s amazing cause he smashes 8 past his son in the garden before humiliating himself with his pals at fives later on. So 1st, but fucking embarrassing in Europe.
Biggest Concern: Their Judas manager shooting the craw the minute an English Championship club has a vacancy.
Mostly Likely To: Sign your club’s star youngster to only let him rot on the bench.
Their fans are: the most tedious cunts you know. The Celtic Da uses his team to cover his numerous inadequacies in life. Doesn’t matter to him if he is a loser six days of the week if his team wins during one.
Dundee
Prediction: When your manager is appointed with the stirring words of “If you’re looking for a manager who has won anything, I’m not your man” failure is a certainty. Combine that with a defence that’s looser than your granny’s bowels, stirring signings like Drey Wright, and relegation is almost certain. 12th.
Biggest Concern: Besides the manager, the players and the shite stadium and living in the drug death capital of Europe there are no concerns for Dundee.
Most Likely To: be shite.
Their fans: are poor wee souls.
Dundee United
Prediction: If HMRC are reading this, Dundee United is a technology company with plenty of reason to claim Research and Development allowances for “player” wages and anyone who says otherwise is a fucking grass.
Sam Dalby made United a one man team this year and now the one man is gone. 11th.
Most Likely To: Commit tax fraud
Biggest Concern: That a collection of anonymous journeymen who can barely scrape a result against part-timers from Luxembourg might be shite.
Their fans: will invade the pitch in celebration of beating a shite Aberdeen team.
Falkirk
Prediction
After scrapping their youth set up in a bid to get promoted, Falkirk went on to have banter years of their own, playing Scotland’s third tier for a geological period of them. Now the three stand wonders are back and they might even fill one of them.
Newly promoted sides tend to do well in Scotland so fuck it, let’s say 6th.
Biggest Concern: their poor fans having to go to Grangemouth every second Saturday.
Most likely To: have to ask for the ball back because it went out the unprotected side of their stadium.
Their fans: are just happy to be there.
Hearts
Prediction
What do you get when your maw’s new boyfriend uses Chat GPT to do your homework for you? Hearts fans are about to find out as their “Supercomputer” signing policy meets Derek McInnes tactics.
The answer, by the way, is boredom. So 3rd, but definitely not winning anything.
Biggest Concern: Lawrie Shankland deciding he wants another year off football like he had last year.
Most likely To: Forget to order the seats when building a stadium.
Their fans: would rather be somewhere else. The ones who wave Union flags would rather be at Ibrox and the reserved middle class ones would rather be at Murrayfield. All of them would rather be at the Conservative Party conference.
Hibernian
Predicition
Some people doubted if Sir David Gray could find a football identity that fitted Hibs. However, conceding in the 119th minute on Thursday has assured Hibs fans that Gray can ‘Hibs it’ with the best of them.
They’ll be in 3rd for most of the season before finding a way to come 13th at the end.
Biggest Concern: The Taliban’s crack down on heroin has already forced most Hibees onto Ket. So no concerns whatsoever.
Most likely To: Hibs it.
Their fans: are on drugs. In fairness, that’s no worse than being emotionally dependent on the movements of 11 young men in revealing shorts every week.
Livingston
Prediction
What’s not to love about the return of the nation’s favourite M8 service station to the Premiership? On the surface, the Tony Macaroni arena with David Martindale is a combination of pasta and drugs unseen since Goodfellas. Respect to Martindale, most seasons he’s assembled a squad of misfits with 20p and a Toffee Crisp and still kept them up.
10th.
Biggest Concern: the drug squad turn up.
Most likely To: send some poor cunt away raging they could not actually get a Tony Macaroni in the Tony Macroni arena.
Their fans: The Livi support halved at the last season as they issued a lifetime ban to a fan who spat on Don Cowie during the playoff game. The other Livi fan will be lonely.
Motherwell
Prediction
Motherwell managers change faster than the Scottish weather. They might want to consider a Hunger Games style draw for the post in future. They’ll come 8th, but mostly because somebody needs to fill that spot on the table.
Biggest Concern: Lennon Miller will be sold and the club will spend the money on 10 players of inferior quality.
Mostly Likely To: Ironically, that is the same as above.
Their fans: will continue to ask their more affluent friends with season tickets at Ibrox and Parkhead for a swap.
Kilmarnock
Prediction
Having lost your manager and your best player is no reason for concern. No reason for concern at all.
No really, it isn’t. Killie fans can bask in the glory that they have one more season of the pitch that injures every cunt.
So 9th, with the pitch getting player of the month at least once.
Biggest Concern: Stuart Kettlewell’s widow’s peak continues its rapid expansion. Having consumed most of his forehead, it may well consume the town of Kilmarnock.
Most likely To: ruin one half of the Old Firm’s title chances (probably Rangers).
Their fans: will be really kind and welcoming when Hearts visit Rugby Park. Derek McInness is sure to be showered with Killie pies from the stands.
Rangers
Prediction
Slow, possession-based football in Scotland – what could possibly go wrong? Russell Martin is still in the honeymoon period right now, mostly due to not having been knocked out the Scottish Cup by Queen’s Park. Becoming the Glasgow 49ers has given the club a better credit-rating than Craig Whyte for the first time in decades. Expect a few new faces by the end of the window.
That’ll lead to the inevitable pride before a fall that has kept the rest of Scottish football in banter for years. Banter Years, if you will. So, 2nd, but a less shite second.
Biggest Concern: Beyond Kieran Dowell’s cockroach-like ability to survive deselection, there’s the fact that the SFA, SNP, HMRC, MFI, DFS, MI5 and the Vatican all continue to exist solely for the purposes of orchestrating a vast conspiracy against the King’s 11. Anyone who says otherwise is “corrupt” and will have a bullet mailed through their letter box. If things really get ugly, the Union Bears might even choose to leave a game early again (gasp).
Most Likely To: Issuing a self-righteous statement is concomitant with any Rangers season.
Their fans: are charming, good-humoured and not all bigoted. Last season, they waved banners showing their opposition to “Foreign woke ideology”, so we are sure they will love vegan and Green Party member Russell Martin. They will no doubt show him their usual kindness when a few results don’t go their way.
St Mirren
Prediction
Buddies fans tend to celebrate the top six like getting into Europe. Historically, that has been fair enough – Dundee and Glasgow must seem like Paris and Milan, if you live in Paisley. But, whisper it quietly, St Mirren have actually been good for the past few years. So, look out your passports Paisley! In July 2026, you too will soon know the joy of being dumped out of the Conference League by Moldovan plumbers.
5th
Biggest Concern: St Mirren largely rely on bigger clubs not taking them seriously and fucking up. So, if clubs wake up to the fact they are good, that might not work out for them.
Most Likely To: have a Celtic superstore operate out of their stadium.
Their fans: will hold up a scarf saying “We hate everycunt” when actually, Morton aside, no one really hates you back. It’s both sad and endearing.
