In the most significant news story to rock the North-East since an Aberdeen man was lost at sea in 1912, Havers and Pish can reveal it has obtained an exclusive of copy of self-confessed sex offender Donald Trump’s notes ahead of Friday’s meeting with John Swinney. Having now successfully corrected the spelling mistakes, removed the burger grease and transcribed the crayon, we can bring you a fascinating insight into the convicted felon’s thoughts.
Greetings
After shaking hands, point out you have the best hands, the biggest hands. Try to warm the bald buy up with some locker room, talk – what political opponents have you tried to arrest lately? That sort of thing. Keep it normal: ask which of his daughters he’s expressed a desire to date.
Making Scotland Great Again
Scotland has achieved and invented many great things. Me. McDonald’s food. But it is clear under loser Swinney they are not as great as America. Make helpful suggestions. They could stop their knife crime problem by legalizing guns. They could stop their heroin problem by using fentanyl.
Islands
America has prisons. America has the best prisons. What Scotland needs is an Alligator Alcatraz. Point out to John that when I visited my mother’s birthplace on Lewis there were too many immigrants. The mainlands is sending its worst people. They are bringing drugs. They are bringing crime. They are bringing people from Ullapool.
Fill the Minch with alligators and you solve the problem.
My friend Ghislane used to have an island. A fun island. I used to go there myself. But since her husband Jeffrey died (in completely non-suspicious circumstances, prison CCTV cuts out all the time, we all know that) she’s been sad. Very sad. Point out to John that he’s got this thing called Harris and it is not even an island or a guy. Now if you build a wall with Lewis, find some children who look like Ivanka and keep some gators in the Minch what do you get? A fun island.
Trade
They won’t take our chicken. They won’t take our beef. Scotchland does not even know what Angus beef is. No matter how much John tries, we can’t take his health foods: deep-fried Mars bars, square sausage and pies.
Tell John to thank America for giving Scotland the sport of golf. Trump International and Trump Turnberry are the two most important courses in Scotchland – no other is more historic or important.
Goodbyes
Try to keep it diplomatic. Grab ’em by the hairy thing right between his legs (a Sporran they call it?). Whisper quietly in his ear that Scotland is your favorite part of England and it would be a shame if anything were to happen to it.
