As the attainment gap widens, teacher numbers plummet and children just get fucking stupider, Education Secretary Jenny Gilruth has been forced to resort to Potemkin children on results day.
Civil servants usually begin their search for the elusive ‘academically able and photogenic’ group as early as September.
An anonymous Scottish Government source told Havers & Pish, “Most kids’ exam results are shite. We can’t have Kris explain to the cameras that he was ‘buzzin’ to a get National 3 in picking his nose.”
“But the handful of bright kids look like they’ve been dooking for chips. Plukes, pasty faces and milk bottle glasses won’t get Jenny re-elected”
Sources tell us that Scottish Government employees purchased cardboard cut outs of children from nations further up the international league tables in order to fool Scottish press photographers.
“You’d be surprised how much bonnier Estonian children are”
The policy is such a success the SNP is considering using it for prospective parliamentary candidates.
